I literally just said these words to my husband: "I got Totinos Pizza for dinner because I'm kind of overwhelmed by everything else and dinner just doesn't fit in my brain."
Let me back up...
A few months ago my amazing, charming, devastatingly handsome, loving, wonderful husband started a new job working as a car salesman. (Technically his job title is Sales Professional; he reminds me of this regularly but it's easier to just say "car salesman.") This was a step of faith from the start and we both knew that.
One of the reasons he was looking to make the career move was in hopes of having more brain space for things like: Me. Friends. Time to build relationships. Time to read and get into the Word.
Key words: Space. Time.
These are very central themes in our hearts and in our hopes for our family and our future.
And these are the things I was feeling were greatly lacking as I was examining my heart and our life about a week ago. At his last job he would come home preoccupied and pretty well consumed with what was going on at work where he managed a rent to own retail store. Now he is navigating the balance of elation and disappointment and moving forward one step at a time. I am truly impressed with how well he is doing in all of it and I am finding my faith and my fortitude tested on a regular basis.
This is where I discovered some anger running around like a rabid raccoon in my heart. You see, anger has a way of finding a small opening in our hearts and wriggling through it undetected until we wake up one morning and feel all snappy and irritable for no apparent reason and the more we think about the things in our life that aren't going according to our desires the redder our face gets and the more steam seeps from our ears.
I was angry that the gift He had given us through our friends of a second vehicle was not performing up to my standards. And everything we tried to do just wasn't working.
I was angry that this meant that my time without kids in the mornings was cut short so I could drive my husband to work and functioning with only one vehicle is exhausting and very time-consuming for me.
I was angry that all of the abundance that I know He promised and I can see coming is still just out of my reach and I have to wait for it. And wait for it... And wait some more.
I was angry that my husband is in this transition to a new job that feels like it is all-consuming and I end up feeling like I'm not a priority anymore because the majority of our conversation revolves around his work. (It is important to note here that as soon as I expressed my feelings to him on this, my man dropped everything for a day and a half and listened to me and did things I wanted to do and made it a point to fill my quality time love tank. Yep; he's amazing!)
I was angry at myself for being so selfish and needy.
It was good to realize this and to be able to tell my husband in full honesty that I wasn't angry with him for any of the crummy things we were dealing with and that I am still with him in this and that I know he is doing his very best and that I love him and that I respect him. That was great! I suppose it is best to just point my anger to the Lord rather than take it out on my loved ones who are more fragile and need more care from my heart. The Lord can take it; He's actually the only one fit to handle my selfish, needy, soul.
Now, if things were to end there and I just accepted my anger and didn't deal with it or hash it out with the Lord, this would be a very unhealthy place for me to hang out. And this is where thankfulness comes in.
You see, a thankful heart prepares the way for the Lord. Thankfulness has a way of completely changing the atmosphere. A thankful heart is a happy heart and if your heart is happy and thankful, there isn't room for the rabid raccoon of anger to prowl and prance.
So I had a long, heated discussion with the Father. Okay, okay, it was probably too one-sided to be dubbed a "discussion," but I did give Him some time to add His two cents or so. I told Him all of the things I was angry about and why and how I felt about it. I told Him that I realized I was mainly being ridiculous and dramatic (this is a commonly occurring theme in our conversations anyway, so it was no surprise to either of us). I told Him what I wanted: Time. Space. To feel alive. To feel seen. To feel loved.
And He was so great. I could imagine in my mind's eye Him giving me a little half-smile while He sat back with His arms crossed and listened to me patiently while I vented. And then I sensed Him sit forward with His elbows on His knees, hands clasped gently before Him, and look me in the eyes with a little humor but mostly unconditional love and tell me that He heard me; He saw me. He put His hand on my shoulder and reminded me that He loves me and that He has me. He reminded me that everything was going to be okay. When He told me that it would all make sense in time, I stubbornly retorted that I didn't care for things to make sense somewhere down the road but I wanted everything to be revealed NOW. He chuckled with a sparkle in His eye and said, "I know."
And then I got to my husband's work where I was picking him up after 9:00 pm while our houseguest stayed with our sleeping children. And I smiled and greeted my husband with grace I wasn't feeling and peace I couldn't muster.
My conversations with the Lord about my anger have been ongoing since then.
And then my husband broke his arm.
Yesterday I dropped my man off at work and went about my day as usual. We had just enjoyed a nice quiet breakfast together and he was telling me all of his plans for the coming day - great plans full of hope and aspirations for a productive day.
An hour later I got a text message from him letting me that he had fallen while running between buildings to deliver some paperwork and that his arm was hurting pretty bad. Long story short, we spent the remainder of the day at doctor's offices discovering that he has a fracture in his left elbow, will be out of work for at least a week, and will need surgery within a few days.
Here is where more thankfulness came flowing in and peace and grace was able to abound.
Josiah, who I picked up from school before meeting Tom at the doc, was with us for most of the process and he was AMAZING. Considering a trip to the grocery store is usually like managing a three-ring circus with that boy in tow and he typically eats lunch at 11:15 but had to wait until after 2:00, it was downright miraculous that he was calm and cooperative and sweet the entire time we were waiting and waiting and waiting.
We have amazing people around us. One friend, who works with Tom, drove him to the doctor and waited with him while I worked on getting there to meet him. One friend picked up the girls from school and let us know that they could stay as long as we needed them to. Another friend came and picked up Josiah from us just as he was about to lose his cool, then picked up our girls and fed all of our kids and helped them do their homework until we were finished with everything we needed for the day. Wow! I wish I could express in words my thankfulness for these beautiful friends!!
While this is an incredibly inconvenient and unfortunate situation, the damage could have been a lot worse and dealing with the company and workman's comp and all of that could have been much more of a headache. Everyone at Tom's work has been very sympathetic and helpful in every way they can.
All of the doctors and their staff that we dealt with yesterday were so kind and helpful and wonderful. If there's one thing I hate more than having to deal with medical things, period, it's having to do it with rude, cold, pretentious people. I was so grateful for medical staff who were genuine, thorough, and efficient.
And now I have lots of time with my favorite person in all the world... Waiting on him hand and foot, making sure he is comfortable, making sure he takes his meds when he should, driving him anywhere he needs to go, reassuring him when he starts to freak out. :)
The irony in all of this is not lost on me.
And neither is the beauty and grace.
My God is a funny, funny Man, and He loves me so much.
And so, although I still have some anger lingering and now I have even more questions than answers, I am choosing to rest and trust. And even with the overwhelming amount of items on my to-do list - including all of the Valentine's Day hoopla for the kids, getting Kylee in to an eye doctor to get her glasses, learning all of my lines for Fiddler, and keeping up all of the other things we have going on - I am choosing thankfulness and praise.
And I am making frozen pizza for dinner.
Hyundai logo http://www.sixt.com/hyundai-rental-cars/
angry raccoon http://4photos.net/en/image:121-119048-Angry_Racoon_images
Daddy's arms http://www.sermonsfromseattle.com/images/clip_image001_007.jpg
Totino's pizza http://static.caloriecount.about.com/images/medium/totinos-party-pizza-pepperoni-56825.jpg