Wednesday, June 22, 2011

A Little More of Me...

I guess I should blog again, eh?

I think one of the reasons I don’t blog as often as I intend to is because there are ugly things in me that I don’t want to reveal and when I write I tend to let those things out, or I end up sounding really plastic because I’m trying to hide them. I will work on that…

Anyway, there has been so much on my heart lately.

I still really want to blog about the yarn projects I’m working on, especially the knitting because that is really new and exciting to me! I just never take the time to do it when I’m at home and actually have access to all of the pictures and what not… So stay tuned and I promise I will get that done sometime in the near future!

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It has been becoming more and more evident that the Lord desires for me to grow and develop and strengthen the relationships I have in my life (or will have in the future) as I crave genuine, quality fellowship with my brothers and sisters in Jesus.

It all “started” a little over 2 ½ years ago when we had a wonderful opportunity to meet with two very amazing people, Chris and Hannah, who we met at a very good friend’s wedding in Pennsylvania. We hadn’t known them 48 hours but the invited us to their house after the wedding and we got there at 11:00pm and enjoyed a few hours of coffee and very edifying conversation. Our whole trip to that side of the country I felt like the Lord was urging me to look at the relationships in my life and He put a longing in my heart for so much more than what I had at that point. Then in pops this beautiful couple who we have so much in common with and are looking to develop relationships with other brothers and sisters around the country, especially ones who were also serving in youth ministry. Not a coincidence, if you ask me.

As we were finishing up our late night - wee hours of the morning visit, we started to pray for one another. Hannah was praying and spoke over my life in a way that I had never experienced before and will never forget. She talked about how she saw a very rich light or liquid like water around me that she felt represented deep, rich relationships. There were other details that I so wish I could remember word-for-word, but that is the main idea that I got.

Since then, we have continued to draw closer to Chris and Hannah, even though we live so far apart (they are actually in Kentucky now, which is still far away…) and haven’t had the opportunity to see face to face again yet. They are very dear friends who still bless us in so many ways. And all from a couple of days’ divine appointment.

Anyway, all of that is to say that the Lord has been working on my heart in the area of relationships for quite a while now. And He isn’t letting up… You know how they say you are either in the fire, laying on an anvil being hit with a hammer, or in the water? I definitely haven’t felt the water aspect of that process much yet…

I tend to try to get through life with as very little contact with other people, especially more than surface-level interaction, as possible. I don’t know what my problem is. Maybe I am afraid people will find out who I really am and not want to know me anymore. Maybe I feel like I don’t have anything to say that is worthwhile to others and I don’t want to bother people with my worthless thoughts. Maybe I don’t want anyone to see how much I really need them because I feel like that would make me come off as needy and annoying and weak and then they would leave me and I would be devastated. Maybe I am just lazy and don’t want to put forth the effort. Whatever it is, I have a very hard time maintaining relationships.

I am learning and growing though. I am learning to identify my thoughts and feelings more accurately (i.e. when I am angry or offended, usually I really am just sad and disappointed.). I am not allowing myself to hold grudges but I am choosing to forgive and walk in grace and mercy.

This weekend Tom and I and a few of our very dear friends are going over to a worship gathering in Divide, CO, put on by Enter the Worship Circle, called Worship@8500. This is something that I have been looking forward to for several months now. This is an answer to prayer to have an opportunity to get away and be refreshed, renewed, revitalized and develop new relationships that will push me closer to Jesus. I am probably more excited about this than I have been about anything else this year. One of the main purposes of this weekend, as described by one of the leaders involved is:
“…moving forward together, …not going back. Forward in maturity. Forward in forgiveness. Forward in Kingdom authority. Forward in dynamic sonship. Forward in honor.”
I cannot express to you the feelings that swell in me as I read those words! This is everything that I have been longing for and searching for and feeling has been missing for so many years. What a beautiful blessing the Lord is giving us to have this opportunity! And what a blessing that the Lord made it possible financially and He provided people we love and trust to take care of our kids so we can go with peace that they will be safe and loved.

We leave tomorrow night. I feel like I kid on Christmas Eve….   =D

(Sorry this got so lengthy... If you made it all the way through, thanks for sticking with me!)


  1. So glad we all got to connect that weekend! It definitely was set up by God. :) We love you guys!

  2. Love you muchly! :) Hope the weekend is blessed.

  3. You're welcome for sticking with you ;)
    I'm glad you shared what you have, especially about the desire for rich relationships. I've been learning so much, too. Love you!

  4. Just wanted to say a few things on your less than "Happy Clappy" points. lol.

    "Maybe I am afraid people will find out who I really am and not want to know me anymore."

    Totally get that. Very much the same.

    "Maybe I feel like I don’t have anything to say that is worthwhile to others and I don’t want to bother people with my worthless thoughts."

    Every word that comes out of my mouth and every sentence I write.

    I tend to "troll" (fishing term...not the internet forum term) for friends on a very surface level. I'll throw out the occasional "bait" to see who's listening. Like with Tom. I think I threw out one vague movie reference off the cuff and he stood up like a meerkat peeking around. Lol. My point is that I get disappointed with people (and myself) real easy. And for some reason that's taught me to "troll" around casting out "bait" and go for the ones who catch on. Because those ones are (generally) the ones who tend to not mind when my light facade comes crashing down and I finally admit that I have no idea what God would want to do with me, how could He love me, and "So yeah...I don't even know HOW to pray or what prayer is for". People I don't have that deep relationship with have 2 reactions...they run or give me a Sunday School pat answer. Both are disappointing.
    I'm not sure every friendship HAS to be a deep one...that would be exhausting. lol. At least for me. There's an old Zen saying "When the student is ready the teacher will appear." and I think that's true for friends. The ones we need appear when we need them. He wouldn't let us go without them because He uses them to encourage our growth.
    I know Tom's done that with me. lol. First time I "opened up" I was nervous and then he shocked me by not even answering the surface question. He probed deeper. It was like he jumped 10 levels of my expectation of the encounter. lol.

    I don't believe that being angry, offended, sad or disappointed is necessarily wrong or a bad long as we use it to learn about ourselves more. We pull back, we examine it honestly, figure out the what's, why's and wherefores, and such and then move on in the knowledge. I dunno. The negative emotions have a purpose as well. Can't be happy all the time. Just ask Job...and Moses...and Isaiah for that matter. lol.

    Anyway...probably rambling, probably not making sense. :)


    Will Arbaugh

  5. Hannah: Amen!! We have such a great Lord in Jesus!! =D We love you guys, too; so much!

    Ash & Kris: I love you both! Thank you for loving me even when I am difficult. I am blessed by you both and definitely consider you to be part of my rich blessing of friendship!

    Will: I love you, brother! Thank you for sharing your thoughts and reminding me that I am not alone. Thank you for your words; I very much agree! I know I will never be that kind of person who has a million friends; it exhausts me just thinking about it. But I do want to squeeze every ounce of blessing, joy, lessons, etc out of those relationships I know the Lord has called me to cherish more deeply. And it truly is amazing how He causes those friends we need to appear just when we need them - hence the divine appointment with Chris and Hannah! How great of Him to know all things and time things so perfectly. =)

    Thank you all for the comments. I feel loved and blessed. My cup overflows. =)