Anger, Thankfulness, a Broken Arm, and Frozen Pizza

You ever have the feeling that you're riding on a freight train at 100 MPH and headed straight for a brick wall? No? Okay, maybe it's just me.

I literally just said these words to my husband: "I got Totinos Pizza for dinner because I'm kind of overwhelmed by everything else and dinner just doesn't fit in my brain."

Let me back up...



A few months ago my amazing, charming, devastatingly handsome, loving, wonderful husband started a new job working as a car salesman. (Technically his job title is Sales Professional; he reminds me of this regularly but it's easier to just say "car salesman.") This was a step of faith from the start and we both knew that.



One of the reasons he was looking to make the career move was in hopes of having more brain space for things like: Me. Friends. Time to build relationships. Time to read and get into the Word.

Key words: Space. Time.

These are very central themes in our hearts and in our hopes for our family and our future.

And these are the things I was feeling were greatly lacking as I was examining my heart and our life about a week ago. At his last job he would come home preoccupied and pretty well consumed with what was going on at work where he managed a rent to own retail store. Now he is navigating the balance of elation and disappointment and moving forward one step at a time. I am truly impressed with how well he is doing in all of it and I am finding my faith and my fortitude tested on a regular basis.

This is where I discovered some anger running around like a rabid raccoon in my heart. You see, anger has a way of finding a small opening in our hearts and wriggling through it undetected until we wake up one morning and feel all snappy and irritable for no apparent reason and the more we think about the things in our life that aren't going according to our desires the redder our face gets and the more steam seeps from our ears.

I realized that I was angry that things were so hard and that things weren't going my way and that I was having to be more selfless than I like and I wasn't getting everything I wanted. Of course, this realization came only after a couple of days of snapping at my family and being really grumpy. But it came. And after sorting through all of these things in my heart, I realized that I was mad at God for all of these things. Big shocker, eh?

I was angry that the gift He had given us through our friends of a second vehicle was not performing up to my standards. And everything we tried to do just wasn't working.
I was angry that this meant that my time without kids in the mornings was cut short so I could drive my husband to work and functioning with only one vehicle is exhausting and very time-consuming for me.
I was angry that all of the abundance that I know He promised and I can see coming is still just out of my reach and I have to wait for it. And wait for it... And wait some more.
I was angry that my husband is in this transition to a new job that feels like it is all-consuming and I end up feeling like I'm not a priority anymore because the majority of our conversation revolves around his work. (It is important to note here that as soon as I expressed my feelings to him on this, my man dropped everything for a day and a half and listened to me and did things I wanted to do and made it a point to fill my quality time love tank. Yep; he's amazing!)
I was angry at myself for being so selfish and needy.

It was good to realize this and to be able to tell my husband in full honesty that I wasn't angry with him for any of the crummy things we were dealing with and that I am still with him in this and that I know he is doing his very best and that I love him and that I respect him. That was great! I suppose it is best to just point my anger to the Lord rather than take it out on my loved ones who are more fragile and need more care from my heart. The Lord can take it; He's actually the only one fit to handle my selfish, needy, soul.

Now, if things were to end there and I just accepted my anger and didn't deal with it or hash it out with the Lord, this would be a very unhealthy place for me to hang out. And this is where thankfulness comes in.

You see, a thankful heart prepares the way for the Lord. Thankfulness has a way of completely changing the atmosphere. A thankful heart is a happy heart and if your heart is happy and thankful, there isn't room for the rabid raccoon of anger to prowl and prance.

So I had a long, heated discussion with the Father. Okay, okay, it was probably too one-sided to be dubbed a "discussion," but I did give Him some time to add His two cents or so. I told Him all of the things I was angry about and why and how I felt about it. I told Him that I realized I was mainly being ridiculous and dramatic (this is a commonly occurring theme in our conversations anyway, so it was no surprise to either of us). I told Him what I wanted: Time. Space. To feel alive. To feel seen. To feel loved.

And He was so great. I could imagine in my mind's eye Him giving me a little half-smile while He sat back with His arms crossed and listened to me patiently while I vented. And then I sensed Him sit forward with His elbows on His knees, hands clasped gently before Him, and look me in the eyes with a little humor but mostly unconditional love and tell me that He heard me; He saw me. He put His hand on my shoulder and reminded me that He loves me and that He has me. He reminded me that everything was going to be okay. When He told me that it would all make sense in time, I stubbornly retorted that I didn't care for things to make sense somewhere down the road but I wanted everything to be revealed NOW. He chuckled with a sparkle in His eye and said, "I know."

He knew I was still upset. I knew He was still there with me and He was right about everything. I knew it was okay for me to have the feelings I was having and that I wouldn't be feeling them forever and those feelings don't have to dictate where I go from here.

And then I got to my husband's work where I was picking him up after 9:00 pm while our houseguest stayed with our sleeping children. And I smiled and greeted my husband with grace I wasn't feeling and peace I couldn't muster.

My conversations with the Lord about my anger have been ongoing since then.

And then my husband broke his arm.

Yesterday I dropped my man off at work and went about my day as usual. We had just enjoyed a nice quiet breakfast together and he was telling me all of his plans for the coming day - great plans full of hope and aspirations for a productive day.

An hour later I got a text message from him letting me that he had fallen while running between buildings to deliver some paperwork and that his arm was hurting pretty bad. Long story short, we spent the remainder of the day at doctor's offices discovering that he has a fracture in his left elbow, will be out of work for at least a week, and will need surgery within a few days.

Here is where more thankfulness came flowing in and peace and grace was able to abound.

Josiah, who I picked up from school before meeting Tom at the doc, was with us for most of the process and he was AMAZING. Considering a trip to the grocery store is usually like managing a three-ring circus with that boy in tow and he typically eats lunch at 11:15 but had to wait until after 2:00, it was downright miraculous that he was calm and cooperative and sweet the entire time we were waiting and waiting and waiting.

We have amazing people around us. One friend, who works with Tom, drove him to the doctor and waited with him while I worked on getting there to meet him. One friend picked up the girls from school and let us know that they could stay as long as we needed them to. Another friend came and picked up Josiah from us just as he was about to lose his cool, then picked up our girls and fed all of our kids and helped them do their homework until we were finished with everything we needed for the day. Wow! I wish I could express in words my thankfulness for these beautiful friends!!

While this is an incredibly inconvenient and unfortunate situation, the damage could have been a lot worse and dealing with the company and workman's comp and all of that could have been much more of a headache. Everyone at Tom's work has been very sympathetic and helpful in every way they can.

All of the doctors and their staff that we dealt with yesterday were so kind and helpful and wonderful. If there's one thing I hate more than having to deal with medical things, period, it's having to do it with rude, cold, pretentious people. I was so grateful for medical staff who were genuine, thorough, and efficient.

And now I have lots of time with my favorite person in all the world... Waiting on him hand and foot, making sure he is comfortable, making sure he takes his meds when he should, driving him anywhere he needs to go, reassuring him when he starts to freak out. :)

The irony in all of this is not lost on me.

And neither is the beauty and grace.

My God is a funny, funny Man, and He loves me so much.

And so, although I still have some anger lingering and now I have even more questions than answers, I am choosing to rest and trust. And even with the overwhelming amount of items on my to-do list - including all of the Valentine's Day hoopla for the kids, getting Kylee in to an eye doctor to get her glasses, learning all of my lines for Fiddler, and keeping up all of the other things we have going on -  I am choosing thankfulness and praise.

And I am making frozen pizza for dinner.











Photo credit:
Hyundai logo http://www.sixt.com/hyundai-rental-cars/
angry raccoon http://4photos.net/en/image:121-119048-Angry_Racoon_images
Daddy's arms http://www.sermonsfromseattle.com/images/clip_image001_007.jpg
Totino's pizza http://static.caloriecount.about.com/images/medium/totinos-party-pizza-pepperoni-56825.jpg

A Dangerous Desire

This is what I wrote in my journal the other day...

I wish I could just get away for a couple hours to pray and listen and worship and think and plan and study and write. I want to bury myself in the Word and feast on the Truth I find there. I want to practice communicating with the Holy Spirit and enjoy His comfort, reassurance, rest, peace and conviction. I want to be whittled and pruned, refined and purified. I want the dirty, yucky, ugly parts of my flesh to be burned away, leaving only the beauty, purity and righteousness of Jesus reflecting in my being.

I am aware that these are dangerous desires. I believe I am already in the stoked fire, though, and releasing myself to these desires is the only way to make the most of these trials and opportunities to be molded into a more accurate replication of my Lord Jesus. I might as well submit to the flames and stop trying to fight my way out.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything" -James 1:2-4

A New Adventure...

The Spirit is stirring.

There is something in the air, on the breeze.

Winds of change?

Perhaps.

If so, the face of change could take on so many different features.

In the dark I can’t make out these features.

Maybe it isn’t dark, though; maybe I’m just not wearing my glasses or contacts. As my husband so lovingly reminds me when he remembers that I can’t make out his facial features or the color and design of his tie when he is standing at the foot of the bed and I am sitting against the headboard without my glasses on, I am “pretty blind.” It could be that I have the same handicap spiritually and I am awaiting some corrective lenses to bring into focus the plans of the Father.

And I’m okay with that.

I will, in the meantime, continue to relax in my waiting room, which I imagine to be at a beachfront property with a cozy hammock to rest in and a fruity drink to refresh me as well as a severe lack of bugs.

I have some ideas of what could be on the horizon. I even have some solid inklings I’m going to begin pursuing.

One such inkling is to write.

I’ve already started a few children’s books that I’m excited about, even if I only ever print one copy for my own kids.

I’m starting to form the beginnings of a book about relationships. Not about romantic relationships, as I feel there are more than enough on that topic right now and Tom and I aren’t quite ready to write a book on marriage yet, as we dream of doing one day. A book on relationships in general: about our relationships with Almighty God and about relationships with other people. As you can probably tell from some of my previous posts, this is something that the Lord has been teaching me about for a couple of years now. I want to record what I am learning and share it with others that they might find freedom and truth and love and joy as I am finding on this journey.

Part of my pursuing this new adventure is blogging more often to practice communicating and to receive feedback on my thoughts and ideas and styles. I think I will create a new blog specifically for sharing what I am writing and getting feedback. So please keep reading and keep commenting. I can’t tell you that I am spectacular and have amazing, wonderful, profound things to say that you’ve never heard before. But I can tell you that I am a beloved daughter of the King and He might want to use me to shed light on truths locked away in your spirit by the power of His Holy Spirit in and through me.

Divine Encounters

I just love how great our God is! What a blessing to serve a loving Father who truly gives good gifts to His children.

Let me give a little background...

When we were up in Divide at the Worship@8500 retreat, we had Robin Pasley pray for us to find spiritual parents and mentors to lead us and advise us in the whole new world of the Godhead that we had received in the Holy Spirit and in the idea of receiving our sonship and kingdom life. Part of her prayer was that we would be reminded that this would come about in unexpected ways and take any opportunity that came along, no matter how bizzarre.

Fast forward to lunch today...

My sweet, amazing, wonderful, handsome, loving husband decided to take me out for lunch today, since it is our 73rd monthiversary and he wasn't asleep because he had last night off and has tonight off, too. We planned to go to The Olive Garden because we had a gift card and it is close to my work. We got there a bit too late, though, and it was going to be a 20 minute wait. So we bailed and went to Red Lobster instead.

As we were sitting and talking, enjoying our time together, I overheard the ladies behind us talking about their testimonies of how they had received the baptism of the Holy Spirit. This made my ears perk, of course, and I enjoyed a little eavesdropping on some beautiful sharing of lives and love and Jesus. I was very encouraged, especially since they are farther along in life than we are and I have been looking for just such people to turn to for wisdom and guidance. I told my dear husband what I was overhearing. He then "dared" me to go and tell them that I was encouraged by their conversation. I hmmmed and hawwwed for a bit, not wanting to interrupt them or embarrass myself or anything like that. He "triple dog dared" me to do it, joking on the daring part, but insisting that I would be missing out on a blessing if I didn't say something. He also told me that he had a divine encounter yesterday that he wanted to tell me about, but wouldn't unless I say something to the ladies behind us. I guess bribery worked... Or I finally got up the guts lol...

I approached the ladies sitting at the table and told them how we had been encouraged to catch bits of their conversation, as we had recently been filled with the Holy Spirit and are hungry for anything related to learning more about Him and kingdom life as a whole. Wouldn't you know, those ladies were so sweet! They were nearly as blessed as we were, I do believe. 

They were 3 beautiful ladies who used to sing together as a trio over 30 years ago and this is the first time since 1979 that they have all been together again! I felt a bit guilty for stepping in on their likely coveted time together, but they were so gracious and truly didn't seem to mind the intrusion.

They asked us about how we came to be filled with the Holy Spirit, how we are doing now, etc. They immediately recognized that we are in need of mentoring in this new area of life (I say "new" more so for myself than for Tom, because for him it is more like re-newed, but it's all very new and exciting to me, just fyi) and suggested some resources to turn to and also the name of someone locally to connect with. We chatted about the truths and the misconceptions surrounding the Holy Spirit and about kingdom life and ministry, etc. Two of the ladies are pastor's wives at FourSquare churches, one in Southern California and one in Glenwood. The other lady lives here in Palisade and attends a local fellowship. They all had such great, encouraging things to say! 

One of them pointed out that the Holy Spirit is our teacher, which was a fantastic reminder I really needed today. She told us about how she had wanted to go to Bible college, but when she sought the Lord, He told her that He is her Bible college because He would teach her everything she needed to know. What a beautiful testimony that truly encouraged me.

They all prayed over us and blessed us so immensely. I was moved to tears by the rich blessing the Lord bestowed on us today!

Tom's testimony of his divine appointment yesterday was also an amazing blessing.

Things have been up and down and all around lately, and sometimes I get discouraged and want to give up. Sometimes things seem hopeless and too incredibly hard, but I am constantly being reminded of my Daddy's great love for us, which is everlasting and never ending; He is truly more faithful than the rising sun and gives very good gifts to His children, even when they don't ask!

As Charles Spurgeon put it in yesterday's devotional:

My Master has riches beyond the count of arithmetic, the measurement of reason, the dream of imagination, or the eloquence of words. They are unsearchable! You may look, and study, and weigh, but Jesus is a greater Saviour than you think Him to be when your thoughts are at the greatest. My Lord is more ready to pardon than you to sin, more able to forgive than you to transgress. My Master is more willing to supply your wants than you are to confess them... My Master has riches of happiness to bestow upon you now. He can make you to lie down in green pastures, and lead you beside still waters. There is no music like the music of His pipe, when He is the Shepherd and you are the sheep, and you lie down at His feet. There is no love like His, neither earth nor heaven can match it. To know Christ and to be found in Him - oh! this is life, this is joy, this is marrow and fatness, wine on the less well refined. My Maser does not treat His servants churlishly; He gives to them as a king giveth to a king; He gives them two heavens - a heaven below in serving Him here, and a heaven above in delighting in Him forever... The unsearchable riches of Christ! Thiss is the tune for the minstrels of earth, and the song of ther harpers of heaven. Lord teach us more and more of Jesus, ad we will tell out the good news to others. 

(Based on Eph. 3:8, from Charles Spurgeon's "Morning and Evening" daily devotion, August 22, 2011)

How grateful I am that our plans were changed today and that I was blessed so richly out of the blue!

Moving Forward

Things have been pretty hectic/crazy/hard in our church the last several months. I was crying out to the Lord about all of it the other day and He spoke this to me. I got to share it at the annual business meeting at church yesterday and I pray it encouraged others there as it did me. I didn't blog last week and there isn't anything else more heavily on my heart right now so I figured I would share it here. Be blessed. Be encouraged.

Why chase after what is lost
and neglect what we still have?
What we have is not much, but
it is time we start taking care of it.
We are called to be good stewards and
not to long after what is not ours.
Yet we keep living in the rear-view mirror
wanting what was.

The Lord gives and He takes away.
If we keep longing after what's been taken
we are going to miss what's being given.
Let's look aroundus and be thankful
for what we have left.
And let's look ahead with hope and faith
that the Lord gives good gifts to His children

Let bye-gones be bye-gones.
We are not nothing without "them."
And if we are, we need a paradigm shift.
We are nothing without God
and His ways are higher than ours.

Pain is real.
Grief is natural.
Suffering is part of this life we've chosen.
But joy comes with the morning.
We cannot allow pain, grief or suffering
to overtake us or to keep us from His joy.

Renew our hope, O Lord, renew our faith, joy, strength.
The joy of the Lord is our strength.
We are more than conquerers to Jesus.

We will lift our faces to You, O Lord
and walk boldly ahead in the path You have provided.
Even if it hurts and doesn't make sense.
We will carry on as good soldiers,
continuing in our good works.
Laying down our pride and differences.
We will collectively take up our cross
and pursue hard after You
with all we have left.
For all we need is You.

Blessed and Yearning

After a very blessed, joyful, intense weekend in Denver for ATF with Altared Youth Ministry, I find myself longing for a different life...

A life of ministry.

A life of family.

A life of music.

A life of crafts...

Here is an ideal idea of what I would love my life to look like:

Home with my kiddos, Tom would have time to work on writing scripts, lessons, plays, etc. for ministry. I would have time to spend with my amazing little ones who I love and miss so much. I would also have time to knit and crochet tons of adorable, fantastic things to give as gifts and to clothe my children in and to sell on Etsy. Between Tom's writing and my crafting and our ministry in the church, we would have enough income to live on and to give to others in need and to send missionaries overseas and to go overseas ourselves.

Yep. That would be fantastic!

For now, however, that is not the case. So I will continue to do my best in my job (which I really do enjoy) and take whatever time I can get with my kiddos and serve in ministry as much as I can and knit and crochet whenver I get a chance and give whenever we have opportunity and means and go whenver the Lord provides...

Sigh. This life I have is a gift from the Lord and I will choose to rest in His peace, knowing that He is in control and knows the desires of my heart.

How blessed I truly am!