Reflection and Waiting

What a beautiful Christmas season we had! I realized, as we entered into the Advent season and I was making my list of things I hoped to do with my family and friends and for myself, just how much I missed last year while Tom was here in Colorado and the kids and I were still finishing up our time in Louisville. This left me feeling immensely grateful for the extra measure of grace the Lord provided us last year as well as the amazing people we had around us  - in Colorado and in Kentucky. 

Last year we didn't put up any Christmas decorations in our apartment in Lou; instead we were busy sorting and purging and packing and saying our hasty goodbyes. We drove for two days before Christmas and arrived late Christmas Eve, just in time to enjoy a nice fire in our new apartment, have the kids "open" (**ahem** pull out of the Wal-Mart bags...) their new pajamas and throw blankets on the floor in one of their bedrooms to sleep on. Tom and I spent Christmas day unloading the truck. Many of the traditions we had come to cherish were simply by-passed and put off, with good reason, of course.

This year I was able to settle into the Advent season and reflect. I thoroughly enjoyed decorating our apartment, perusing our Christmas music to put together my own playlist, and reinstate some of the traditions we had to bypass last year. As a family we decided to celebrate Advent together with a fast of sorts and a family devotional. I bought candy canes and made hot chocolate from scratch so we could decorate the tree together. We read a different Christmas book [nearly] every night, cut snowflakes out of paper, made a count-down chain, and watched our favorite Christmas movies. 

Having grown up observing Advent with my church for the 4 Sundays before Christmas, culminating in a solemn, intimate, candlelight Christmas Eve service, I did not always stop to think about what it all meant. This year it was like something clicked for me that hadn't before: Advent is a celebration of the waiting. My dear friend and pastor, Laurie Thornton, gave a beautiful teaching on waiting and a God who waits just before Advent started, which really got me thinking. There is truly something magical about this season and about the fulfillment of the promise God had given to His people so many generations before Jesus actually came as a baby in Bethlehem. 

Now, if you know me even a little, you may not find it hard to agree that I am not typically a very patient person. For example, I finally made cake (from a box) the right way - meaning, I used the hand mixer for the full 2 minutes, not just until everything looked sufficiently combined - and realized there is actually a reason they instruct you to do it that way! The cake came out so spongy and moist... Yes! It was in that moment that I realized why I'm just not that into baking - so many dishes and ingredients for one recipe and so many time-consuming steps... 

Anyway, I digress. As I was reflecting this Advent season and thinking about how patient my Lord is with me and how very long those people who were alive when Jesus was born had been waiting for the coming of a Savior, I couldn't help but praise my King with gladness. He really came! He really rescued! He really sought and pursued and sacrificed! All of this He did for me. And for you. How can my response be anything but worship?

I must confess: I could often be found getting emotional and tearing up, especially for the first couple of weeks of Advent. Certain songs or Scriptures or greetings or gatherings simply made my heart swell until I felt it would burst. 

When I read of the promise foretold in Isaiah 9, my heart races with excitement and anticipation.

Darkness and despair will not go on forever... The people who walk in darkness will see a great light... For You will break the yoke of their slavery and lift the heavy burden from their shoulders... For a child is born to us! A son is given to us!.. And He will be called: Wonderful! Counselor! Mighty God! Everlasting Father! Prince of Peace! His government and its peace will NEVER end!.. The passionate commitment of the Lord of Heaven's Armies will make this happen! 

I mean, WOW! That is a promise from Almighty God and He has fulfilled it and is fulfilling it! Yes and amen!

And the lyrics! Oh, the songs of Christmas are always so special to me and some of my favorite to sing, and this year I found so many of the words of my favorites - from long ago and from recently - touching the deep parts of my soul that aren't often exposed to sense. The lyrics to this verse of O Holy Night especially got to my heart this year:

Truly He taught us to love one another

His law is love and His gospel is peace

Chains shall He break, for the slave is our brother

and in His name all oppression shall cease!

This brought tears to my eyes every time, especially with all that is happening in this country right now as well as in Myanmar, where the organization I work for supports children in dire situations, not to mention every other nation in the world. Jesus is breaking chains and abolishing oppression!! He has promised!

I may not have succeeded in checking off every activity on my list and we may not have succeeded in reading the book and devotion every night of Advent, but I'm not bothered by any of that. The things that mattered the most to me were time with my family, peace in our home, seeing the beauty and joy around me, and celebrating the waiting and the promise fulfilled. We enjoyed a wonderful candlelight Christmas Eve service downtown Wednesday night - exactly one year after we arrived as a family to our new home in Colorado Springs - and a fine, peaceful, relaxing Christmas day as a family and with new friends. My heart is full. I enjoyed many a silent night, pondering and reflecting in the warm glow of the twinkle lights decorating my living room. As I reflected, I rejoiced.

He has come; He is coming; He will come.




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The Cell Phone

Lately I feel as though my life has, in essence, exploded. I don’t mean for this to have a negative connotation, so please don’t hear that. I do mean that I am not the same that I was 6 months ago and I am not even the same today as I was yesterday. When I say “exploded” I am referring to the physics of an explosion completely changing the look and feel, the topography and physical recognition of whatever is in the zone of impact. The explosion is the power of the Holy Spirit and my life is the zone of impact.

In the last year or so I have endured trials of many kinds: I have been hurt and I have been hurtful; I have received Truth and I have believed lies; I have been forgiven and I have forgiven; I have been judged and I have made judgments; I have been accepted and I have felt rejected; I have loved and I have been loved; I have learned and I have slacked off; I have given much and I have received much. These things aren’t different than any other person’s life or any other season of life. So what am I learning in this particular season of trials and blessings?

I was listening to a teaching at Origins Church in Boulder Sunday night about The Pattern of Surrender. Pastor Ramin Razavi started in Ezekiel 47:1-12 about the vision Ezekiel had of walking out from the temple through the different levels of water (seriously, you should check it out!) and he posed this question: “How deep are we willing to go in the living water of Christ?”

This made me think about my own faith.

Faith: such a heavy word. So much is encompassed in just this one concept.

So as I was driving home from Denver, worshipping and praying and trying to listen, I asked the Holy Spirit about that next depth of Living Water I am to venture into. He asked me what I want it to be. I remembered some of the ministry from the Healing Path Day Retreat (based out of Robin Pasley's book) I had the privilege of attending on Saturday regarding being best friends with the Holy Spirit. Now, as I have mentioned in the past, I am kind of new to the whole concept of the Spirit’s ministry in and through me. So I expressed the desire to have that best friendship and to understand Him more so we can move together naturally as one.

He told me to call my (sleeping) husband (poor thing). I couldn’t understand what that had to do with anything. I honestly thought, well sheesh, here I am trying to spend time with You to understand You better and You want me to call my husband…

So I called Tom and he was very gracious and loving and we chatted for a few minutes but I was in the mountains and had bad reception so he kept asking me to repeat myself and I kept asking him to repeat himself and it was really just kind of silly to try to have a conversation at all. So we decided to get off the phone and talk later when I was in a place with better reception.

I hung up the phone and gave this kind of puzzled look of “Huh?” to the Holy Spirit. He then began to reveal to me how I view communicating with Him and Jesus and the Father. I realized through this conviction that I feel like I’m talking on a cell phone with bad reception whenever I am praying.

Of course, this isn’t an accurate picture of what it looks like to communicate with the Almighty God. Jesus says in Matthew 28:20: “I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”  He didn’t say “I am just a cell phone call away, and if you get lucky, I’ll answer! And if you get really lucky, there might even be good reception and you’ll be able to clearly hear My voice!”

So, why do I feel like the latter words are more accurate than the actual words of Jesus?

I wish I had an answer to share with you. I am still trying to sort through all of my issues to hopefully discover what has caused me to believe this lie that communicating with the One who loves me so dearly and rejoices over me and is with me always is like talking through bad cell phone reception. I am on a mission to discover what has caused me to think of this as normal and live the lie that I won’t ever be able to have clarity in communicating with my Lord. For surely, since He is with me always, He is as close as my own breath and He is able to whisper sweetly in my ear and I am able to confide in Him at any moment. I long to walk in faith that this is true; I want my life to reflect that I am in constant communion with my Maker.

In all of my recent learning and revelation, I feel as though my eyes have been opened and I can finally SEE clearly. I wrote about how I feel like I finally received my corrective lenses in the spiritual realm here. I truly believe that as I discover where the roots of these lies about communicating in the spiritual realm come from and I root them out of my life, I will receive spiritual hearing aids and I will hear with clarity beyond what I can fathom and I will walk in communion with my Lord like never before!

When I get it all figured out, I’ll share with you, dear readers, so that you, too, might find the freedom that is being offered me. If you have already found said freedom, please do share about your journey that I might be encouraged and blessed and find the answers all the sooner!

A Dangerous Desire

This is what I wrote in my journal the other day...

I wish I could just get away for a couple hours to pray and listen and worship and think and plan and study and write. I want to bury myself in the Word and feast on the Truth I find there. I want to practice communicating with the Holy Spirit and enjoy His comfort, reassurance, rest, peace and conviction. I want to be whittled and pruned, refined and purified. I want the dirty, yucky, ugly parts of my flesh to be burned away, leaving only the beauty, purity and righteousness of Jesus reflecting in my being.

I am aware that these are dangerous desires. I believe I am already in the stoked fire, though, and releasing myself to these desires is the only way to make the most of these trials and opportunities to be molded into a more accurate replication of my Lord Jesus. I might as well submit to the flames and stop trying to fight my way out.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything" -James 1:2-4