A Dangerous Desire

This is what I wrote in my journal the other day...

I wish I could just get away for a couple hours to pray and listen and worship and think and plan and study and write. I want to bury myself in the Word and feast on the Truth I find there. I want to practice communicating with the Holy Spirit and enjoy His comfort, reassurance, rest, peace and conviction. I want to be whittled and pruned, refined and purified. I want the dirty, yucky, ugly parts of my flesh to be burned away, leaving only the beauty, purity and righteousness of Jesus reflecting in my being.

I am aware that these are dangerous desires. I believe I am already in the stoked fire, though, and releasing myself to these desires is the only way to make the most of these trials and opportunities to be molded into a more accurate replication of my Lord Jesus. I might as well submit to the flames and stop trying to fight my way out.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything" -James 1:2-4

A New Adventure...

The Spirit is stirring.

There is something in the air, on the breeze.

Winds of change?

Perhaps.

If so, the face of change could take on so many different features.

In the dark I can’t make out these features.

Maybe it isn’t dark, though; maybe I’m just not wearing my glasses or contacts. As my husband so lovingly reminds me when he remembers that I can’t make out his facial features or the color and design of his tie when he is standing at the foot of the bed and I am sitting against the headboard without my glasses on, I am “pretty blind.” It could be that I have the same handicap spiritually and I am awaiting some corrective lenses to bring into focus the plans of the Father.

And I’m okay with that.

I will, in the meantime, continue to relax in my waiting room, which I imagine to be at a beachfront property with a cozy hammock to rest in and a fruity drink to refresh me as well as a severe lack of bugs.

I have some ideas of what could be on the horizon. I even have some solid inklings I’m going to begin pursuing.

One such inkling is to write.

I’ve already started a few children’s books that I’m excited about, even if I only ever print one copy for my own kids.

I’m starting to form the beginnings of a book about relationships. Not about romantic relationships, as I feel there are more than enough on that topic right now and Tom and I aren’t quite ready to write a book on marriage yet, as we dream of doing one day. A book on relationships in general: about our relationships with Almighty God and about relationships with other people. As you can probably tell from some of my previous posts, this is something that the Lord has been teaching me about for a couple of years now. I want to record what I am learning and share it with others that they might find freedom and truth and love and joy as I am finding on this journey.

Part of my pursuing this new adventure is blogging more often to practice communicating and to receive feedback on my thoughts and ideas and styles. I think I will create a new blog specifically for sharing what I am writing and getting feedback. So please keep reading and keep commenting. I can’t tell you that I am spectacular and have amazing, wonderful, profound things to say that you’ve never heard before. But I can tell you that I am a beloved daughter of the King and He might want to use me to shed light on truths locked away in your spirit by the power of His Holy Spirit in and through me.

Divine Encounters

I just love how great our God is! What a blessing to serve a loving Father who truly gives good gifts to His children.

Let me give a little background...

When we were up in Divide at the Worship@8500 retreat, we had Robin Pasley pray for us to find spiritual parents and mentors to lead us and advise us in the whole new world of the Godhead that we had received in the Holy Spirit and in the idea of receiving our sonship and kingdom life. Part of her prayer was that we would be reminded that this would come about in unexpected ways and take any opportunity that came along, no matter how bizzarre.

Fast forward to lunch today...

My sweet, amazing, wonderful, handsome, loving husband decided to take me out for lunch today, since it is our 73rd monthiversary and he wasn't asleep because he had last night off and has tonight off, too. We planned to go to The Olive Garden because we had a gift card and it is close to my work. We got there a bit too late, though, and it was going to be a 20 minute wait. So we bailed and went to Red Lobster instead.

As we were sitting and talking, enjoying our time together, I overheard the ladies behind us talking about their testimonies of how they had received the baptism of the Holy Spirit. This made my ears perk, of course, and I enjoyed a little eavesdropping on some beautiful sharing of lives and love and Jesus. I was very encouraged, especially since they are farther along in life than we are and I have been looking for just such people to turn to for wisdom and guidance. I told my dear husband what I was overhearing. He then "dared" me to go and tell them that I was encouraged by their conversation. I hmmmed and hawwwed for a bit, not wanting to interrupt them or embarrass myself or anything like that. He "triple dog dared" me to do it, joking on the daring part, but insisting that I would be missing out on a blessing if I didn't say something. He also told me that he had a divine encounter yesterday that he wanted to tell me about, but wouldn't unless I say something to the ladies behind us. I guess bribery worked... Or I finally got up the guts lol...

I approached the ladies sitting at the table and told them how we had been encouraged to catch bits of their conversation, as we had recently been filled with the Holy Spirit and are hungry for anything related to learning more about Him and kingdom life as a whole. Wouldn't you know, those ladies were so sweet! They were nearly as blessed as we were, I do believe. 

They were 3 beautiful ladies who used to sing together as a trio over 30 years ago and this is the first time since 1979 that they have all been together again! I felt a bit guilty for stepping in on their likely coveted time together, but they were so gracious and truly didn't seem to mind the intrusion.

They asked us about how we came to be filled with the Holy Spirit, how we are doing now, etc. They immediately recognized that we are in need of mentoring in this new area of life (I say "new" more so for myself than for Tom, because for him it is more like re-newed, but it's all very new and exciting to me, just fyi) and suggested some resources to turn to and also the name of someone locally to connect with. We chatted about the truths and the misconceptions surrounding the Holy Spirit and about kingdom life and ministry, etc. Two of the ladies are pastor's wives at FourSquare churches, one in Southern California and one in Glenwood. The other lady lives here in Palisade and attends a local fellowship. They all had such great, encouraging things to say! 

One of them pointed out that the Holy Spirit is our teacher, which was a fantastic reminder I really needed today. She told us about how she had wanted to go to Bible college, but when she sought the Lord, He told her that He is her Bible college because He would teach her everything she needed to know. What a beautiful testimony that truly encouraged me.

They all prayed over us and blessed us so immensely. I was moved to tears by the rich blessing the Lord bestowed on us today!

Tom's testimony of his divine appointment yesterday was also an amazing blessing.

Things have been up and down and all around lately, and sometimes I get discouraged and want to give up. Sometimes things seem hopeless and too incredibly hard, but I am constantly being reminded of my Daddy's great love for us, which is everlasting and never ending; He is truly more faithful than the rising sun and gives very good gifts to His children, even when they don't ask!

As Charles Spurgeon put it in yesterday's devotional:

My Master has riches beyond the count of arithmetic, the measurement of reason, the dream of imagination, or the eloquence of words. They are unsearchable! You may look, and study, and weigh, but Jesus is a greater Saviour than you think Him to be when your thoughts are at the greatest. My Lord is more ready to pardon than you to sin, more able to forgive than you to transgress. My Master is more willing to supply your wants than you are to confess them... My Master has riches of happiness to bestow upon you now. He can make you to lie down in green pastures, and lead you beside still waters. There is no music like the music of His pipe, when He is the Shepherd and you are the sheep, and you lie down at His feet. There is no love like His, neither earth nor heaven can match it. To know Christ and to be found in Him - oh! this is life, this is joy, this is marrow and fatness, wine on the less well refined. My Maser does not treat His servants churlishly; He gives to them as a king giveth to a king; He gives them two heavens - a heaven below in serving Him here, and a heaven above in delighting in Him forever... The unsearchable riches of Christ! Thiss is the tune for the minstrels of earth, and the song of ther harpers of heaven. Lord teach us more and more of Jesus, ad we will tell out the good news to others. 

(Based on Eph. 3:8, from Charles Spurgeon's "Morning and Evening" daily devotion, August 22, 2011)

How grateful I am that our plans were changed today and that I was blessed so richly out of the blue!

Exploding with Joy! (Part 3...Finally)

I was thinking about apologizing for not yet blogging about Sunday during Worship@8500, but I'm not going to. I know it's been a long time coming, but all this time I have had time to chew on and mull over all that happened that day and now I am at last ready to share it with the world. Here goes:

Sunday morning I awoke to the Holy Spirit ministering to my spirit. It was so refreshing to have someone to talk to first thing in the morning (since Tom isn't much for conversation before 10am... especially without coffee). I answered the beckon of my loving Lord to join Him on the mountaintop to enjoy the gorgeous sunrise over the peaks and pines. It was very early and a bit chilly. The climb to the mountaintop took my breath away, but not in the same way the sunrise and the words of the Father took my breath away. As I stood gazing in awe at the splendor and beauty around me, the Spirit whispered, "This beautiful sunrise was painted for you this morning. But no sunrise can match the beauty in you. Be great today."

Be great today.

That last part echoed in my spirit and I was amazed at the response I didn't have. I didn't feel prideful. I didn't feel entitled. I felt free. I felt whole. I was excited about the possibilities of what that one command could mean for that day. For, you see, I realized that the Lord telling me to be great was not about me at all. It was about being the best me I could be in order to fully glorify and honor my Heavenly Dad. It was about Him alone.

I found myself walking to breakfast with a little spring in my step. I wanted to glean absolutely every grain of truth and life and freedom from this last day we had in this amazing place with these spectacular people. I determined to hold nothing back and let nothing get in the way of what the Spirit wanted to do that day.

That morning's session was... Wow. Just... Wow.

The Holy Spirit fell like I had never experienced before. I have been in places where people are speaking in their prayer languages and where there is a lot of hype, which never sat very well with me and left me uncomfortable and confused. But in this time people were exercising the gifts of the Spirit and backing it all up with amazing Truth from the Word. People were prophesying, telling of visions, receiving healing; all of us were praying in unity and it was beautiful! The awesome power of the Almighty God was thick and rich in our midst. I was encouraged and blessed and edified. It was awesome!

The speakers that morning had been Jack and Friede Taylor. Their immense wisdom and selfless sharing was a huge encouragement and honor. What a rich blessing to receive! They definitely set the stage for what the Lord did there that morning.

As we were leaving that session, on a spiritual high, I was reveling in all that the Lord was doing. I realized more of how I'd been set free as I thought about all of the people who had been given a specific word from others, including my husband, who, after we were both prayed for to be filled with the Spirit on Saturday, was approached by at least 3 different people who were led to share a word with him. For the first time in my life, I wasn't jealous or cranky at all; I didn't feel entitled to receive a word or be noticed by anyone. Amazing!

As I was getting up from a wonderful conversation about Thailand with someone who had spent several months there, I was just praising the Lord for everything He was doing. Then, out of nowhere, a very nice woman came up to me and introduced herself. I couldn't remember seeing her before then... and honestly don't remember seeing her after this point, but anyway... She told me that there was something she felt the Lord wanted to tell me. I was all ears and wide eyes at this point. "Really?!" I must have looked like a goofy school girl about to get a new bike! lol She told me that when someone had had the vision during the morning session of angels in the room with bowls of the gift of healing hovering right over the area we were sitting in she saw me standing out to her and the Lord told her He wanted to give me that gift. Wow! I asked her to pray for me and then we parted ways. Since it had been such an intense morning and I had a couple cups of coffee and no time for a potty break until that point, I continued on my way to the little girls' room, worshiping the Lord and processing what had just happened. Here I was, moments ago just praising the Lord that I didn't need a word from Him through someone else, and He gives it to me anyway! How great is that! How could I ever deny that the Father gives good gifts to His children?! I felt loved and favored and blessed and overjoyed... Wow. My Daddy loves me!! =)

So I prayed and received the gift of healing. That has been another interesting road for another day and another blog post...

After my worshiping at the throne... both literal and spiritual... I met up with Tom to meet with the beautiful couple who had led the parenting session the day before, Dave and Polly. We sat down with them to get some wisdom and insight and encouragement together for our specific situation. It was such an honor and a blessing! They are such an amazing couple that I truly look up to.

From that divine appointment we rushed up the hill to the gazebo for a song writing/recording session with Aaron Strumpel. Now here is where the reality of the freedom I had received really came to my attention. For the first time in my life I was free to enjoy the beauty and talent of my brothers and sisters in Christ when it comes to music without the nasty, dirty, gross sin of jealousy and pride and entitlement that has haunted me my whole life. For once I was able see a beautiful, young girl who was cute and petite and had great ideas and a gorgeous voice and truly appreciate the gift that she is to the Father and His family. I didn't look at her and think to myself, "Oh she's so full of herself. I'm way better than her. I bet every one is going to listen to her and think she is so great and want her to be in the spotlight because she is so much prettier than me and no one is going to listen to me or care that I have a much better voice than her." Yuck! I hate that I used to think that way. But that wasn't me anymore!! I went right up to that precious daughter of the King and sister of mine and told her the exact truth about how beautiful her voice is and what a blessing it was to get that opportunity to create music with her! YES!!!

And there were so many amazing, talented people there that afternoon. We separated into two groups and the one Tom and I got to be a part of, in my fully biased opinion, was absolutely amazing! They were all so wonderful and beautiful and talented... I didn't have a single word to add to the song and I didn't have an instrument other than my voice to add to the music. I sat and gave some input on a couple things and wrote everything down that everyone was saying and sang along. It was amazing and beautiful! For once I didn't have that "What about me?" attitude that's so gross and wrong. This freedom was such a gift and blessing from my loving Dad!

After an encouraging time at dinner with the guys at McGuinty's (most amazing food EVER!) we carried our elation from the Spirit's continued work into the last worship session of the weekend. This session was a "sit-in" sesssion, I think that's what Ben called it. It was the night that everyone got to join in with voices and instruments in the evening worship. I had known about this opportunity and was looking forward to it all weekend. I had been thinking about songs that I wanted to lead and sing on. But walking into that time with those people, all of that fell away into dust. I was just so thankful for the opportunity to come before the Lord in creativity together one last time before heading home. I did get a chance to sing at the microphone a couple of times, which was so much fun and such a blessing! But I didn't end up singing at the mic on any of the songs I had been hoping to. And I didn't care! (FREEDOM!!) I just sang my heart out along with everyone else standing along the edges. What joy!!!

As things were about to start wrapping up and I was praising the Lord for this amazing freedom (sorry, I know I keep saying the same things over and over again, but I just can't find any other words to express myself and even those don't do any justice to the things in my heart!), I overheard a conversation behind me. A gentleman walked into the room and approached a friend of his, asking her if she had gotten a chance to sing. With an overdose of poisonous bitterness in her words, she replied, "For like 2 minutes until someone jumped right in front of me."

My heart broke. I looked at the girl and said to myself, "That used to be me."

The crazy awesome part that I praised the Lord for in that moment was the used to be part... That isn't me any more!!! Hallelujah! All I could do was worship and pray for that poor sweet girl who doesn't yet have the freedom I have discovered.

FREEDOM!!! Woot!!! alsdgkja ;seoaisut a;qwoeiu

Ahem. Got a little excited there!

Anyway, so it was amazing to have my eyes opened to the change that had occured in me due to the Holy Spirit. Wow. =)

So now I'm back to "regular life" and falling more and more in love with Jesus and understanding more and more the love of my Heavenly Daddy and yielding more and more to the Holy Spirit. I am still learning and reading and growing and rejoicing every day. Of course life isn't a bed of roses, but the new perspectives I have gained and the new family I have met have sure brightened things in my world quite a bit!

Thanks for listening... er... reading. I'll hopefully be back to blogging regularly in the near future. I look forward to hearing your thoughts/comments/questions/etc.

Be blessed!

Exploding with Joy! (Part2)

I guess I'd best get back to blogging about my weekend, while it is still fresh!

SATURDAY


Saturday morning was full of more good-y greatness! It was a beautiful, sunny morning with birds chirping and fish jumping in the lake outside our tent.

The session brought even further revelation from the day before, and more rooting out of the weeds and sowing of the flowers in my life.

Robin Pasley started out the session with some beautiful words. I'm having a hard time portraying in words what happened in the room and in my heart that morning, so bear with me...

She told us that the enemy wants sonship to be hard, but it's not! And the enemy wants healing to be scary, but it's not!

She talked a lot about healing and forgiveness and reconciliation.

She talked about judgments that we hold in our hearts; judgments about ourselves, judgments about others, and judgments about God.

This got me.

This is where the Spirit convicted even more deeply.

She said, "If we have a judgment that someone just 'is that way,' we can't reconcile... If we have judgments, we can't forgive or receive forgiveness."

These judgments we make, especially about others, just deciding that they are "just that way," cause us to the lower the bar of expectation for the one the judgment is about and does not allow for us to believe in the best future that God has dreamed of for them. Ouch.

Then we took time to write down some of these judgments we have about others and ourselves and the Lord. My list felt very long. We talked about how these judgments are in the air around us and poison the air we breathe. We fill up balloons with this poisonous air and hold onto the balloons. It was time to let them go.

After sharing with the people at our table about some of the things on our list, Ben and Robin stopped us and reminded us that we need to break these agreements we've made with the devil in the name of the Lord Jesus and by His blood, which has redeemed us, and proclaim the truth instead. There were several people who stood at the microphones and broke these agreements publicly. It was beautiful. My husband was one of them. Actually, he was the first. It was freeing.

There were so many people that we stopped sharing at the mic and started doing it at table level. We were with some wonderful people who blessed us by their vulnerability and their encouraging words. Wow! So blessed.

I was able to go through a lot of things on my list...

In the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by His blood, I break the agreement that I made with the devil that we (me and my husband) will forever be in a season of trial and suffering and never experience abundant life in this lifetime: I claim the truth that Jesus has given us abundant life here and now and that the Father gives good gifts to His children.

In the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by His blood I break the agreement that I made with the devil that no one understands us (me and my husband) and never will so we will always be on our own to get through this life; I claim the truth that we were made to be who we are for a purpose and God's purpose for our life is good and will prevail and He will send us the support that we need.

In the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by His blood I break the agreement that I made with the devil that the people in my life will always hurt me and it isn't worth opening myself up to them because they don't really care about me; I claim the truth that relationships are the heartbeat of the Father and He plans to speak to me and bless me through the relationships I have and to use me to bless others.

In the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by His blood I break the agreement that I made with the devil that my husband will never be accepted for who he is so I can't accept him for who he is and am embarrassed by him; I claim the truth that my husband was fearfully and wonderfully made to be just who he is and who he is is good, actually, amazing and I am truly blessed to be by his side and have no reason to be ashamed of or embarrassed by him!

Phew! Freedom. Beautiful healing.

"Hahaha you devil; you're not gonna steal my destiny!"  -Doug Roberts

There was a lot of other knowledge and wisdom that Ben and Robin Pasley presented, as well as Joe Steinke, but that will have to be in a another blog specifically about the Kingdom and sonship...

That afternoon I went to the "Parenting" breakout and Tom went to the "Sons vs. Slaves" breakout. I gleaned great pearls of wisdom from the beautiful and amazing couple who led it (Dave and Polly Uher, who you will hear more about in the Sunday post) and the equally so couple who accompanied them (Gary and Karla Adolphe, who you will also be hearing more about). Good things to bring home and start practicing!

Our breakout ended early so I went to join the breakout Tom was in. Boy was I in for something special!

When I got there Robin was talking to Tom about being baptized in the Holy Spirit.  **screeeeach!** I heard those breaks causing smoke. I know. I was a huge skeptic at this point myself.

A little background: Tom and I have talked about this many times before. What we think of it, our experiences, etc. However, it has been something that has still been really "out there" to me. I actually considered going to the "Holy Spirt" breakout they had added to Saturday's list to hopefully find out more, but decided I'd keep working on my perception and relationship with the Heavenly Father that weekend and maybe get some more info about the Spirit next year.... Lol. That makes me laugh now...

So Robin was talking to Tom about how being baptized with the Holy Spirit is really just about receiving more of the Lord. Tom had been struggling that day with the concept that the Holy Spirit is the "adapter" to make the "head knowledge" become "heart knowledge" and what that was going to look like for him. As Robin was wrapping up about simply receiving more of the Lord, she asked if anyone else wanted it, too. I had a huge urge to raise my hand and join my dear husband at the front to be "baptized" in the Spirit, too. (I use quotations for "baptized" because I think it's just a misnomer; it's actually just about receiving more of the Lord through Holy Spirit.) I really wasn't sure of all of the details and logistics of it, but I knew that I have been praying to receive more of the Lord for months and maybe even years and this was exactly what I needed. I figured I'd make sense of all of the rest of it later.

Robin prayed over me. I didn't fall over or start convulsing or anything dramatic like that. I felt a warm sensation envelop me. I felt the presence of the Lord closer than I ever had before. I heard the voice of the Lord! My prayers were answered!

Wow.

No other way to describe it.

You might be thinking all skeptically that it's all just a bunch of hocus pocus nonsense that doesn't mean anything. I'm sorry for you. I used to think the same thing. I was sorely wrong.

I'm so glad that the Lord decided to reach out to me and bless me with His Spirit in this way, even though I was planning to put it off for another year.

I did get a chance to talk to Tom later about what Robin had been saying before I got there. Here is an excerpt from my journal about the whole thing:

"So basically what it boils down to is this: Yes, we receive the Holy Spirit the moment we put our faith in Jesus - as a deposit. But we need to be baptized in the Spirit for Him to fully reveal Himself and to more or less "draw" on the deposit. Which makes sense@ The Holy Spirit is a Gentleman. When we place Jesus as Lord, the Holy Spirit is placed in us. But He will not move and act to His full capacity until we invite Him to do so by choosing to receive Him.... AND Jesus was baptized by the Holy Spirit even! If Jesus wasn't too "spiritual" [already] to need such a thing, how could I think that I don't need it??"

You can think what you want about this. I think it is awesome! And I hope that you are encouraged and blessed because of this revelation I have had.

Anyway, I am not the same person I used to be.

This became more and more clear to me on Sunday, which you will have to stay tuned to hear about...

Exploding with Joy! (Part 1)

 Our weekend at Worship@8500 was more than I can describe in words. So many of my prayers were answered and the Lord blessed me even much farther beyond my puny little dreams!

Oh goodness, where to begin…

Well, let me start with telling you that this weekend (and these people) was not about the music. Although their music is fantastically outstanding and hugely beneficial to anyone’s walk with Jesus (if you have no idea what I’m talking about, you MUST check out Enter the Worship Circle), the hearts and ministry go so so so much deeper.

From here I’ll tell you about it one day at a time:

FRIDAY

The first morning’s session started out very intense. Ben Pasley invited Rebecca Dunning to step up to the mic and give her story first. She had a broken, beautiful, dirty story about being invited by the Father to become a daughter and stop being a slave. We laughed; we cried. Ben got up when she was done (or perhaps it was a little later on in the session… can’t remember exactly) and asked us if we felt like we’d been French kissed on a first date. Haha! Love that guy… He reminds me so much of my quirky husband… Anyway, after Rebecca spoke about her beautiful story of being an orphan, not knowing her earthly father, finally setting out to look for him only to find that he had passed away, discovering he had a family who he loved and who he told all about Rebecca and asked to find her and love her, we had the privilege of hearing from Chris Austin.

Chris stood up and told us about his poor pinky nail that had fallen off that morning after having been slammed between a hammer and something metal he was working on a few days before. He related that to how sometimes the Lord just wants to deal with us outright without anything to cushion the blow. That spurred an amazing “repentance party.” I have never seen an open mic like this before! I wish all open mics could be that raw and vulnerable and effective… Wow! So many people got up and confessed their sins, from not living as a son of the Father to not accepting love from others and so on. Then each repented for the sin they confessed and declared Truth and how they would stop and be different. Hope that makes sense…

I stood up. And spoke. And confessed. And repented. I confessed that I didn’t like people and I didn’t like relationships because they are messy and hard and it would just be easier to go about on my own and not need anyone. I repented of not loving God’s people and not allowing them to love me. I declared that I wanted to see others with the eyes of the Lord and to love others with His love.

Freedom.

No other way to express it.

And that was just the beginning…

A lot of Friday’s session was about recognizing that we are sons of the Most High God and we need to stop doing and trying and just BE sons. It’s just that simple! Because, you see, our Daddy in heaven is all about His Kingdom, which He established for His Son, Jesus, to reign over. And the Kingdom is all about family. So, Daddy sent Jesus to make all of us His sons, too, and expand His family. Because He wants to! And that is all that He wants.

Beautiful.

After the crazy morning session’s intensity that was so rich and pure and lovely, we got to enjoy some time to process and eat lunch and hang out with all of the amazing, beautiful people we were blessed to be spending the weekend with. Oh, and I forgot to mention how absolutely stunning the scenery up there at 8500 feet above sea level in the Rocky Mountains was. Our tent was right on a lake so when we woke up Friday morning we could hear the fish jumping and saw a dear strolling along the lakeside.

Breathtaking.

Every afternoon they had breakout sessions you could go to and choose from. It was hard to choose because they were all so very very interesting and intriguing and I wanted to be at all of them! So Tom and I split them up. On Friday I went to “Kingdom” and he went to “Dreams and Prophecy.” At “Kingdom” we listened to the wonderful wisdom of Jack Taylor, who declared that he could just sit and talk about the Kingdom forever, which he pretty much did and it was great to soak it all in. He expounded on many of the points that had been danced around during the morning session and had so much wisdom to impart. You will have to ask Tom about his time at the breakout he went to…

We had the afternoon to enjoy the company of one another, grab some dinner (the five of us went to Divide and ate at McGuinty’s, which is the most amazing food I think I have ever had!), and chew on and process what had happened so far.

The evening session was all worship. **insert big goofy smile** It was so passionate and joyful and raw and dirty and wonderful! Karla Adolphe (who is absolutely beautiful and amazing, by the way, and not just her music, but her whole being) took the lead for much of the evening. Her bluesy style was catchy and did wonders for my soul. We danced, we laughed, we cried, we worshiped the Only One who is worthy of all of our praise. Mmmm….

It was good.

It was a wonderful first day and set the stage for much expectation for the rest of the weekend, which was more than fulfilled…

A Little More of Me...

I guess I should blog again, eh?

I think one of the reasons I don’t blog as often as I intend to is because there are ugly things in me that I don’t want to reveal and when I write I tend to let those things out, or I end up sounding really plastic because I’m trying to hide them. I will work on that…

Anyway, there has been so much on my heart lately.

I still really want to blog about the yarn projects I’m working on, especially the knitting because that is really new and exciting to me! I just never take the time to do it when I’m at home and actually have access to all of the pictures and what not… So stay tuned and I promise I will get that done sometime in the near future!

            * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

It has been becoming more and more evident that the Lord desires for me to grow and develop and strengthen the relationships I have in my life (or will have in the future) as I crave genuine, quality fellowship with my brothers and sisters in Jesus.

It all “started” a little over 2 ½ years ago when we had a wonderful opportunity to meet with two very amazing people, Chris and Hannah, who we met at a very good friend’s wedding in Pennsylvania. We hadn’t known them 48 hours but the invited us to their house after the wedding and we got there at 11:00pm and enjoyed a few hours of coffee and very edifying conversation. Our whole trip to that side of the country I felt like the Lord was urging me to look at the relationships in my life and He put a longing in my heart for so much more than what I had at that point. Then in pops this beautiful couple who we have so much in common with and are looking to develop relationships with other brothers and sisters around the country, especially ones who were also serving in youth ministry. Not a coincidence, if you ask me.

As we were finishing up our late night - wee hours of the morning visit, we started to pray for one another. Hannah was praying and spoke over my life in a way that I had never experienced before and will never forget. She talked about how she saw a very rich light or liquid like water around me that she felt represented deep, rich relationships. There were other details that I so wish I could remember word-for-word, but that is the main idea that I got.

Since then, we have continued to draw closer to Chris and Hannah, even though we live so far apart (they are actually in Kentucky now, which is still far away…) and haven’t had the opportunity to see face to face again yet. They are very dear friends who still bless us in so many ways. And all from a couple of days’ divine appointment.

Anyway, all of that is to say that the Lord has been working on my heart in the area of relationships for quite a while now. And He isn’t letting up… You know how they say you are either in the fire, laying on an anvil being hit with a hammer, or in the water? I definitely haven’t felt the water aspect of that process much yet…

I tend to try to get through life with as very little contact with other people, especially more than surface-level interaction, as possible. I don’t know what my problem is. Maybe I am afraid people will find out who I really am and not want to know me anymore. Maybe I feel like I don’t have anything to say that is worthwhile to others and I don’t want to bother people with my worthless thoughts. Maybe I don’t want anyone to see how much I really need them because I feel like that would make me come off as needy and annoying and weak and then they would leave me and I would be devastated. Maybe I am just lazy and don’t want to put forth the effort. Whatever it is, I have a very hard time maintaining relationships.

I am learning and growing though. I am learning to identify my thoughts and feelings more accurately (i.e. when I am angry or offended, usually I really am just sad and disappointed.). I am not allowing myself to hold grudges but I am choosing to forgive and walk in grace and mercy.

This weekend Tom and I and a few of our very dear friends are going over to a worship gathering in Divide, CO, put on by Enter the Worship Circle, called Worship@8500. This is something that I have been looking forward to for several months now. This is an answer to prayer to have an opportunity to get away and be refreshed, renewed, revitalized and develop new relationships that will push me closer to Jesus. I am probably more excited about this than I have been about anything else this year. One of the main purposes of this weekend, as described by one of the leaders involved is:

“…moving forward together, …not going back. Forward in maturity. Forward in forgiveness. Forward in Kingdom authority. Forward in dynamic sonship. Forward in honor.”

I cannot express to you the feelings that swell in me as I read those words! This is everything that I have been longing for and searching for and feeling has been missing for so many years. What a beautiful blessing the Lord is giving us to have this opportunity! And what a blessing that the Lord made it possible financially and He provided people we love and trust to take care of our kids so we can go with peace that they will be safe and loved.

We leave tomorrow night. I feel like I kid on Christmas Eve….   =D

(Sorry this got so lengthy... If you made it all the way through, thanks for sticking with me!)